Journal of an Army Girlfriend

Dear Logan,

You’ve been gone since October 9th. You’ve essentially missed everything that has happened to me for the entire semester. In every letter and during every call, I’ve avoided talking about myself. I wanted to keep everything positive, uplifting, and encouraging. I wanted to hear about what’s going on with you, yes, but in reality, I kept asking about you to deflect from talking about myself. I didn’t want you to worry because you already had so much other stuff going on at basic I didn’t want to add to it. But the truth is, my life fell apart as soon as you left.

The day you left, I texted you about not feeling good. I didn’t tell you all of it, just that I was tired. But I was having extreme fatigue, headaches, nausea, chest pains, stomachaches, dizziness, loss of appetite, shortness of breath, swelling and bruising, hot flashes, cold sweats, etc. I said I was gonna go to the doctor and ask him about it. Over the entire semester (lots of appointments later), he did every test he could think of: iron panel, anemia test, leukemia test, mono test, chest x-ray, EKG, thyroid test, blood counts, blood pressure/pulse gauges….

Nothing came back with a sure diagnosis. He has issued a brain CT scan and echocardiogram at this point to look for more rare things (tumors, lesions, cranial bleeding– I doubt he’ll find anything but sometimes I wish he would just so I could figure out why I feel like shit all of the time), but I can tell he doesn’t believe me. Neither does my mom. They think its all in my head, or that it’s stress. But I don’t think it is. Feeling like constant shit and nobody listening to me has been so hard this semester. I’ve missed so many classes because my exhaustion physically holds me in bed. My grades have been slipping and you know what that does to my mood, confidence, etc. I wish I could’ve had you to listen to me, to believe me.

After you left, my doctor tried taking me off my antidepressants to see if it was causing an adverse reaction. Yes, I know I said I wanted to come off them (and I am happy I did), but I’m so fucking emotional all of the time. I feel like I have no control over the stability of my mood. I cry at least once a day, I’m super frustrated and can’t deal with even the slightest inconveniences. Plus, it hasn’t made me feel any better physically. I still feel exhausted, maybe not quite to the same extent, but it’s not gone. Instead, I am struggling with insomnia and not being able to sleep at all- which is not helping with the exhaustion and fatigue I was already experiencing. I have been more anxious than normal. I constantly feel like my heart is racing ten times faster than normal.

My doctor said I can go back on my medication if I want to, maybe even a different one that may have different side-effects. But I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life medicated. But I don’t know if I can handle these mood swings and I hope they don’t drive you away from me. Plus I don’t want to be on medication for us and our sex life. I know how frustrating it seems to be for you and I don’t want to put that on you for some fucking happy pills.

Also since you’ve left, I pretty much have no friends. But I guess I told you that before you left. I eat every meal alone. Every weekend I stay in, usually sleeping or watching TV.  I’ll text people if they want to join me but they never text back or are busy with something better. I’ve tried branching out a little but it’s been hard with how shitty I feel. I tried going to therapy but the counselor I see was so hard to get in with an appointment and she got pissed with me if I ever had to cancel. So I stopped going.

I guess Pete is really my only friend anymore. He actually cares to make sure I eat or that I do something besides sit in my room on the weekends. We sometimes hang out, study, or eat together. I guess I never saw that happening.

I guess the last thing I should tell you is that you and every other person who told me it would get easier is a fucking liar. It never got easier. Instead, it got harder. Every fucking day got harder to deal with not talking to you and every letter/call I received just made me feel worse instead of better because the wound just reopened. You said when you called me once that I was handling this amazingly. If you actually knew, I’m handing this so badly. I can’t cope with not having you, my best friend, around when my life feels like its going to shit. I’m stressing about graduate school applications and my family isn’t really making it any easier. I cry basically every night.

I remember saying over the summer to you I felt isolated as an RA but that would hopefully change when everybody gets back. It hasn’t. Instead, the loneliness is 10x worse because I’m surrounded by so many people but I feel so on the outside. I wish I could’ve just talked to you. Letting all this shit build up without having anybody to talk to about it has just made me bitter and depressed and stressed and angry and lonely.

Maybe all this isn’t right for me.

So that’s what you’ve missed when I said I had so much to tell you when you got back. So much I couldn’t share in letters or calls. Instead, it’s been bottled up inside me for 10 weeks.

Yours always if you still want me,

Meaghan

Today was a better day. It started off with analytical chemistry lab (which was part of the not-so-good part), but it brightened up when I got a text from Logan. He couldn’t text long, around 15 minutes or so, when he was in his barracks. He said he was safe from the impending hurricane but had to eat an MRE because the power went out (fish tacos, he said- you couldn’t PAY me to eat that). I’m so happy he is safe; with hurricane season coming to an end, he hopefully should have no problems and get through basic.

He told me how he is bald right now and sent me a silly picture, which made me laugh my ass off in lab. He still looks as handsome as ever (but yes, I do miss the curly locks).

The last thing he managed to send me was that he loved me and he had a big surprise for me when he graduates…

ummmmm what???

He said he’d give me a hint and that “it involves our future together.” I have no idea what that means…well I guess I do, but I swear to God if that boy proposes, I don’t even know what I’d do. He knows my parents won’t approve so I guess we’ll have to see.

The other really great news I got was his updated graduation day: December 18th/19th!! Two weeks earlier than expected and I am beyond elated!! I can’t wait to hear from him again. Keep the good news coming!!

“The wait is long, my dream of you does not end”

68 days left.

On Day 0, I was too numb to write. I went laid in bed, cried repeatedly and couldn’t muster the strength to eat. I managed my last phone conversation for a while with Logan which lasted 26 minutes while he waited to board his flight down. I already felt so disconnected from him and it had only been 24 hours since last seeing him. My friend Lexi told me she wrote in a journal every day to keep and vent all of her thoughts because she needed someplace or someone to talk to about how she was managing with the love of her life gone. She told me it was her place to express the negative feelings she was experiencing, so when she did write to him or speak to him briefly on the phone, it was all positive, reassuring, and supportive.

This made me realize I needed this too. I could hear my friends already growing tired of me talking about Logan but he kept coming up like word vomit. I needed someplace to express these feelings and this will be that place.

I have spoken to Logan’s mama and grandma a couple times throughout the past couple of days, both of which miss him lots. I don’t think they are experiencing the same pain as me with him gone because Logan was the person who gave me comfort every day. And I mean- every. single. day. We texted, called, and FaceTimed whenever we could. Not having him at a click of a button is hard; he seems so far and so disconnected from me already. It worries me that I don’t have him to pick me up when I’ve fallen down or feeling upset. It is now completely on me and I do not know how to cope with that completely quite yet.

Logan is my best friend as well as being the love of my life. He was the person I shared everything with, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Since I cannot tell him all of this now, on here must be the place I resort to.

I love him more than anything. The first thing I did when he left was put on his sweatshirt and cry into it for hours, just letting everything I was feeling out. Immediately after, I printed all of the pictures I could find of us together or of him to hang on my wall, to have near while I sleep and do homework. Maybe that way I’ll feel close to him for the next 11 weeks.

I just cannot wait for that first letter; that first phone call (if I’ll ever get one). I need a little piece of him to get through the next couple of weeks. The beginning is always the hardest, it’ll get better, they say. Well right now sucks immensely. And I am going to let myself hate every minute of him until the pain numbs or until I have him in my arms again.

Don’t get me wrong, I support him. I am so happy he found what he wanted to do (I don’t even know what I want to do completely). He has known this probably forever, his family keeps telling me. And I shouldn’t complain, I knew I was getting into this if I was going to be with him. It’ll be worth it; it is just a matter of getting through the rough parts.

Coming back from my class tonight made me realize that I had two hours free, time I would normally call Logan during and it made me very sad. When I got back to my room, I felt kind of lost and unsure what to do with my time, as I don’t have Logan to tell my day to. My goal is to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about him all of the time (because I do, I think about him basically every minute of every day). So far, keeping my mind occupied has not been as successful as I’d hoped. We’ll try again tomorrow.

I love him. I will see him soon. It will get better.

“Patience is not about waiting, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”

78 days left.