On Day 0, I was too numb to write. I went laid in bed, cried repeatedly and couldn’t muster the strength to eat. I managed my last phone conversation for a while with Logan which lasted 26 minutes while he waited to board his flight down. I already felt so disconnected from him and it had only been 24 hours since last seeing him. My friend Lexi told me she wrote in a journal every day to keep and vent all of her thoughts because she needed someplace or someone to talk to about how she was managing with the love of her life gone. She told me it was her place to express the negative feelings she was experiencing, so when she did write to him or speak to him briefly on the phone, it was all positive, reassuring, and supportive.

This made me realize I needed this too. I could hear my friends already growing tired of me talking about Logan but he kept coming up like word vomit. I needed someplace to express these feelings and this will be that place.

I have spoken to Logan’s mama and grandma a couple times throughout the past couple of days, both of which miss him lots. I don’t think they are experiencing the same pain as me with him gone because Logan was the person who gave me comfort every day. And I mean- every. single. day. We texted, called, and FaceTimed whenever we could. Not having him at a click of a button is hard; he seems so far and so disconnected from me already. It worries me that I don’t have him to pick me up when I’ve fallen down or feeling upset. It is now completely on me and I do not know how to cope with that completely quite yet.

Logan is my best friend as well as being the love of my life. He was the person I shared everything with, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Since I cannot tell him all of this now, on here must be the place I resort to.

I love him more than anything. The first thing I did when he left was put on his sweatshirt and cry into it for hours, just letting everything I was feeling out. Immediately after, I printed all of the pictures I could find of us together or of him to hang on my wall, to have near while I sleep and do homework. Maybe that way I’ll feel close to him for the next 11 weeks.

I just cannot wait for that first letter; that first phone call (if I’ll ever get one). I need a little piece of him to get through the next couple of weeks. The beginning is always the hardest, it’ll get better, they say. Well right now sucks immensely. And I am going to let myself hate every minute of him until the pain numbs or until I have him in my arms again.

Don’t get me wrong, I support him. I am so happy he found what he wanted to do (I don’t even know what I want to do completely). He has known this probably forever, his family keeps telling me. And I shouldn’t complain, I knew I was getting into this if I was going to be with him. It’ll be worth it; it is just a matter of getting through the rough parts.

Coming back from my class tonight made me realize that I had two hours free, time I would normally call Logan during and it made me very sad. When I got back to my room, I felt kind of lost and unsure what to do with my time, as I don’t have Logan to tell my day to. My goal is to keep myself busy to avoid thinking about him all of the time (because I do, I think about him basically every minute of every day). So far, keeping my mind occupied has not been as successful as I’d hoped. We’ll try again tomorrow.

I love him. I will see him soon. It will get better.

“Patience is not about waiting, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”

78 days left.